Frank's Red Hot

A couple of years ago I searched the entire internet for these commercials to little avail. I just found them today posted on YouTube and I haven't been this giddy in a long time.

The spokesman in this commercial truly touched the times through which he passed.

¡Bienvenido!

Baby Got [Behind]

You are standing at a filing cabinet, appearing busy to the unsuspecting passersby, when one of such said passersby—in this case a co-worker—approaches directly to your right. He is standing at attention, staring at the side of your head. The co-worker asks, “Where is that TPS report you were working on?” The report is directly to your left, sitting on a desk. You reply simply, “On the desk behind me.” The co-worker searches dutifully in the direction opposite your backside and finds nothing. “Behind you? I see nothing!”

When used to indicate direction, to whom is the term behind relative?
I’m not exactly sure how, but this orientational paradox came to me, as though in a dream, and I’ve been struggling with it erstwhile. Wisely I harnessed the immaculate power of MS Paint to put together some unsightly illustrations depicting casually conversing people who ended up somehow looking like decapitated snowmen.


The scenario mentioned above can be seen in Figure 1.A:

I would agree with those who say in this instance behind is a poor choice to identify the exact location of the TPS report in relation to Mr. X. Indeed, the predicted outcome would resemble something like what we see in Figure 2.A:

Malaise has occurred because of poor directional clues. Though mildly annoying to Mr. Y, the enigmatic use of the term behind may have, in fact, been a thoughtful gesture.

Why?

It is obvious from Figure 1.A that the term behind in not relative to Mr. X; either he has used this language intentionally, or has suffered from some form of arterial sclerosis. But I digress. If Mr. X was tacitly using ”behind” as being relative to Mr. Y, then it seems less strange. Still a bit of a stretch for you?


Consider the following:
Mr. X and Mr. Y are searching for the TPS report together. So basically the same scenario from before, except the cat, the nonhuman being it is, has no input into instructing anyone about where the report is. In Figure 3.A, Mr. X tells Mr. Y the report is behind the cat, and suddenly the location of the report is obvious. Mr. Y doesn’t look in the direction of the cat’s furry posterior; indeed it is altogether unnecessary.

Why?

Because the term behind now is only relative to the position of the cat to Mr. Y; either because to Mr. Y the cat is little more than an inanimate object that has no clearly defined front or backside (i.e., a box), or—for all intents and purposes—the side of the cat facing Mr. Y temporally becomes its front. Ergo, the side of the cat opposite Mr. Y is the backside, and—therefore—behind the cat.



In certain situations (e.g., Figure 4.A) the communication is direct and very much non-ambiguous; it takes an insignificant amount of effort to decipher the direction to which the speaker refers. However, the same scenario may yield a markedly dissimilar outcome if the term behind is relative to two different parties. As in Figure 5.A, the snake is relative to Mr. Y and Mr. Z in that it is on the opposing side of Mr. X. Although Mr. Y is cruelly whispering to Mr. Z that there is a snake behind Mr. X, Mr. X assumes that the position of the snake is only relative to him, Mr. X, and is bitten on the left ear as a result.


In conclusion, I apologize for this pointlessness and my gratuitous use of the word behind.

Allusions Wasted on the Undeserving

Today in my office, I had my cell phone in my pocket, walking through the front office as it began to ring. This brief and worthless interchange happened between my coworker, Shannon, and me:

Shannon: You're phone's ringing, dude.

Drew: [in a frustrated tone] Thank you, Donnie.

Shannon: Huh?

Drew: Nothing. Forget it.

Unnecessary, Yet Neat.

If you've got nothing to do tonight before you tune into Lost and if you can do without Survivor for a night, consider checking this out:

From the KTBB News Website:

"Mother Francis Hospital-Internet Surgery
Posted: Thursday, 17th April 2008 2:44AM
TYLER -- Tyler’s Trinity Mother Frances Neuroscience Institute will broadcast today a cervical disc replacement procedure on the Internet. Sabatino Bianco, MD, Trinity Clinic Neurosurgeon and Director of the Trinity Mother Frances Neuroscience Institute, will perform an FDA approved cervical disc arthroplasty and will be available via email to answer questions. Victor G. Williams II, MD, a Trinity Clinic neurosurgeon, will serve as moderator. It can be viewed free of charge this evening at 6:00 by visiting www.tmfneuroscience.com and clicking on "OR Live"."

Trinity Mother Frances IT personnel are expecting high volumes of internet traffic throughout the broadcast. The most common response among those polled on why they will be watching the broadcast was, "For the same reason I watch NASCAR...and I ain't talkin' 'bout Dale Jarret neither."

Cracking the GRE

I recently purchased this book:



Is it strange that her casual pondering of a test question irritates me? A better pose would be her in the process of answering a question. Pencil down on paper, the tip of her tongue protruding slightly from the edge of her mouth though her every thought is consumed by her task...and, no, it doesn't help that she's Asian. Every time I return to this book, she is still thinking, still mulling over the response in her mind. I often feel compelled to yell at her, Just answer the damn question! I've yet to do so. Maybe I'll try it sometime.

Head Over Heels

What do a rabbi, an exploding library catalogue, a chimpanzee wearing a Boston Red Sox Jersey, and a creepy guy that looks like Dave Coulier who plays magically-appearing keyboards all have in common?

Absolutely nothing!

Ergo, all the perfect elements for the quintessential 1980's music video are in place. Observe:



Somewhere, my cousin Jason Calhoun is shedding a tear.