Ad Slogans! (Or How I Learned to Stop Caring and Buy Their Products)

If you’re like me, most things in our crazy-mixed-up world make you mad. Today, I point the finger at commercial advertising. Hell knows no fury like me during the three minute commercial break between the second and third acts of an increasingly horrific episode of “Dharma and Greg.” I am forced to wonder how effective advertising is on an unwitting American public but, then again, if you’re watching “Hollywood Squares” (I’ll take George Hamilton to block!) at three o’clock in the afternoon, then the network fat cats are doing something right. Network television: the only place where David Schwimmer could be a star.

But my beef today is with advertising. We all know that Ford will gladly pay millions of dollars during “Will & Grace” (why God?) to show the F-150 hauling a two ton boulder through a cow pasture and cap it all off with the slogan, “Like a Rock.” When was the last time someone saw that commercial and said, “I’ve got to have one!” and sprinted off to their local Ford dealership? Who is watching Will & Grace that would need a truck to cart around huge, colossal rocks?

More to the point, the product slogan is the proverbial kicker. You recognize them all, even if you’ve only heard them once. Moreover, I’ve never seen advertisements for some of the products that I know the slogan for. Take, for example, Alka Seltzer: “Plop, plop. Fizz, fizz. Oh, what a relief it is!”

Anyway, without further segue, here are some other popular slogans you might recognize and my commentary on them:

“We love to see you smile.” -- McDonald’s
If they really love to see me smile, next time it would be a prudent idea not to give me a McRib sandwich spackled with special sauce when I ordered a Quarter Pounder with no onions. In fact, when I approach the counter, tell me a joke or how you botched someone else’s order if you want to see me smile--otherwise I suggest “Mickey-D’s” can the sweet-talk.

“Just do it.” -- Nike
Just do what, exactly? Make haste for my local Foot Locker to buy your shoes after watching Michael Jordan jump 20 yards to slam-dunk a basketball? Or, perhaps, they are suggesting I attempt a 20 yard dunk myself. In a world that is bogged down with so many antecedentless pronouns, don’t make me guess what “it” is. I have so many things to “just do” already.

“Come fly the friendly skies.” -- United Airlines
What basis do they have for referring to the skies as “friendly?” One must assume that, in order for the “skies” to possess such a quality, United Airlines is meaning fair weather or somesuch. And, as we all know, you can’t always predict the friendliness of the skies. A better idea, I feel, would be to assure me that you can get me from DFW to O’Hare alive, because that’s the only thing I’m thinking about from takeoff to landing. How about, “Arrive Alive with United Airlines.” Or something.

“Reach out and touch someone.” -- AT&T
How many molestation/sexual harassment cases have been acquitted using this slogan as a defense mechanism alone? “But TV told me to!”
Need I say more?

“Bet you can’t eat just one.” -- Lay’s
Don’t taunt me, you stupid potato chip. Can you imagine some snot-nosed kid waving a chip at you, mindlessly reciting this slogan? Who are these corporate bastards to lure me into such a ridiculous wager? Remember when you were in Jr. High and snatched a chip away from someone just to prove Lay’s wrong? Moreover, why would you eat just one?

“You’re in good hands with Allstate.” -- Allstate
Even if you were going to choose an insurance company based on slogans alone, Allstate would do a pretty poor business of getting you as a client. If I was going to be in an insurance company’s hands, I want to be in the BEST hands, not just good hands. State Farm falters by the same logic -- “Like a good neighbor...” If you’re protecting all my worldly interests, I’d like to know that you’re willing to go farther than just lending me a rake or inviting me over for a barbecue from time to time.

“Probably the best beer in the world.” -- Carlsberg Beer
It’s from Denmark and it’s not the best beer in the world. I like this slogan, but I admonish them to be a bit less ambitious-- “Probably the best beer in Denmark.”

“Got Milk?” --Milk (American Counsel of Dairy Farmers)
I have no particular complaint against this slogan. I find it amusing that there exists a slogan for milk itself and no specific company. The dairy farmers just wanted to sell more milk--that’s all. There are perhaps instances when someone saw a “got milk” billboard or commercial and was like, “Oh snap! I need milk.”

“Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.” -- M&M’s
Thanks a lot. I thought the joy of buying M&M’s was to stand around in the sun on a muggy July day, letting chocolate melt all over my hands.

“Snap! Crackle! Pop!” -- Kellogg's Rice Krispies
Onomatopoeias abound! When I think of the sound of Rice Krispies... I’ve just gotta GO GET SOME! Not completely unlike Poe’s “The Telltale Heart,” maybe the sounds are to annoy you into buying their product. (Get a bowl! Pour the milk! It is the snap, crackle, and popping of this hideous cereal!) The slogan became even more confusing when they personified the noises in the form of three little elf men.