DREWISM #1: CELEBRITY IS, AS CELEBRITY DOES...
What do you do when you experience a mid-afternoon hunger pang rumbling in your stomach? For one, Shaquille O’Neal recommends you eat a Nestle Crunch bar. For that matter, you can consider Jason Alexander’s balding and unwise counsel and grab a bag of Rold Gold Pretzels or--for the more serious appetite--some KFC. Don’t forget that modern tennis great André Agassi would have you to wash it all down with some Mountain Dew.
Is your apartment or home suffering from a fashion crisis? Don’t be stupid. Ballooned-out Kirstie Alley says shop at Pier One. Charles Barkley knows something about perspiration, use Right Guard. As for the rest of your consumer indecisions, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, and Bill Cosby have all of life’s answers.
In a society obsessed with professional sports, television, music, and film, it never ceases to amaze me how effective celebrity endorsements are. In fact, I have a well documented theory (well, not documented at all) that the ignorance of American society is advancing perpetually and exponentially. Do you expect me to believe that Britney Spears actually drinks Pepsi? Is there anyway she would have been caught dead drinking from a soda can if $50 million had not traded hands? If the muppets eating Pizza Hut pizza is not the most bizarre thing you’ve ever seen, adding Jessica Simpson to the campaign seems like the most reversed and oxymorinical idea in the history of advertising.
DREWISM #2: TELEVISION WILL ALWAYS BE, JUST SO LONG AS WE HAVE WE...
I’m out on television, though. Out! Perhaps since I have been reprieved of its noisome misdeeds I have retrospectfully (combining two words to make a word that doesn’t exist but sounds like it does is cool! Try it today! Parenthetical digressions, I feel, are also pretty sharp) retrospectively come to resent it more than I cared to at the time when it was such a playful plaything in my life. However, if and when you think about it--and you will--you will see how it can be such a controlling and demanding mistress. Despite some of television’s educational value, don’t you see how it is just a distraction? When it comes down to it, I guess, everything we do besides learn or express ourselves is basically distraction. Furthermore, probably what makes up 83% of John Doe’s personality are the things he chooses to distract himself with compared to the things you choose to distract yourself with. If I’m wrong about TLC, I’ll recant on my deathbed.
Here it is--4 o’clock in the afternoon--and I have unraveled one of life’s great mysteries.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
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18 comments:
My favorite aspect of your little social commentaries like this one is how they seem to exist in some ambiguous stretch of time. Shaq's insistence we purchase Nestle Crunch (along with his fatherly advice "Learn your lines, young man!") are certainly recent enough, and the same goes for Jason Alexander's recommendation of finger-licking-goodness (Ew). But Ol' Georgy Boy hasn't pushed a bag of pretzels since our high school days if I'm not mistaken, Kirstie Alley's nauseating Pier 1 ads are several years gone, Andre Agassi's Mountain Dew enthusiasm is so far back in my mind that I barely recall it, and both Charles Barkley's Right Guard and Bill Cosby's Jello endorsements are at least a decade old. Then again, you never specifically said that one could flip through the channels and have these advertisements thrown out in succession. But your point that celebrities are indeed lame and not to be trusted is iron-clad and undeniable.
As for issue #2, perhaps you should take the advice of at least one celebrity:
"Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television."
- Homer Simpson
Hm, longest comment ever?
"Hm. Wise counsel, William, but the potty talk adds nothing."
Jeremy, of all people in the world, you should be familiar with the meandering logic and speculative beauty that is a Drewism. Firstly, as I do not watch TV, my sampling of celebrity endorsements relies soley on my unique abilty to recall such ex post facto advertisements of decades past. Secondly and most importantly, Apropos of the Nestle Crunch spot, I distinctly remember it starting out, "Shaq and Percy here for Nestle Crunch," only to run off into juvenile laughter or good-natured ribbing by the monstrosity that is Shaquille O'Neal. To the point, why does that kid refer to himself as Percy? Isn't it true that anyone would only know him by his Disney on-screen monicker-- The Famous Jett Jackson? For that matter, how does Shaq have the audacity to interject (as you so hilariously pointed out), "Learn your lines, young man!"? That's the only thing he verbalizes the entire commercial! Otherwise, he just sits there with that dumb 74-IQ smile.
Longest comment replying to a comment? Hmmm?
Interesting. If it's any consolation, Jenna, I miss "Lil' Penny" too, but in the same way I miss "Murphy Brown," which is not at all. Since you brought LP up, it makes me wonder what happen to other former basketball-greats commercial alter egos. Remember Larry Johnson as Grandma-ma? And what ever happened to Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood? Whoa--what about those Nike spots with Micheal Jordan and Spike Lee? Um, that's obviously less that I had anticipated, but you get the point.
And yes, Virginia, Santa Clause does exist.
Kudos on your successful blog. Any blog that brings back that much response is worthy of praise.
I like TLC.
And I thank you Amy for adding to the mounting success of this blog. I guess either people can't handle the naked truth or only a few people can handle the naked truth. Perhaps, a lot of people can handle the truth, but only if it is properly clothed. Now this is just getting out of hand.
"It is a testament to this great country that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could earn back your trust."
Oh yeah... and your blog is looking pretty sweet, what with the new color scheme and all...
I think so.
This blog is another comment or two from official "Out of Control" status.
Hey man, to quote a much wiser man than myself, "We didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world was turning."
Think about THAT this holiday season.
Awwwww...Shucks you guys. Jeremy is right. This post just went and got total out of control. We must stop its maddening effect and seek shelter. All I did was read a couple of comments and felt an overwhelming urge to post one myself. I feel as if this comment will only lead to others. It starts out just posting one on my lunch time break. Then another after I get my afternoon DP. Soon after, I will be ignoring deadlines that are fast approaching, staying up past me bedtime...... I need a Nutty Buddy.
I end with these resourceful comments from our favorite Pacific Tech hero, Chris Knight.
"Would you prepared if gravity reversed itself? The only thing I can't figure out is how to keep the change in my pockets. I've got it! Nudity!"
ROFL. TV...who needs it?
This is so much more a forum now than anything else. When will the madness end?!
Right. The way I see it, everyone forsakes their blogs and just starts commenting here all the time. And what a shot out of the dark it was to see Libby enter the arena (no doubt with a Sonic Sprite with a "splash" of cherry syrup.
What the hell is a splash? For that matter, what the hell is ROFL?
Indeed, Libby's participation is puzzling, what with her bizarre "ROFL" contribution. But further investigation reveals this "Libby" is not our assumed "Libby" of BWC fame. Amy testifies that the known Libby has a blog profile of "libbo27" (username: libbo) This development merely serves to increase the strangeness. Who is this random 32 year old Libby born in the year of the rat?
Whoa. You're right, Jeremy. If you scroll down to the "Harry Potter vs. Master Chief" blog, you'll see she left a rather odd comment there as well.
Who are you?
Submitted for your approval:
Paisley72 : Libbo27
She is in Eastern Tennessee : Versallies, Kentookey
She is from the land of Friday Night Lights : West Texas
Note the symmetry.
Bryan Silverthorne is the modern day Nostradomas.
I knew it!
Drew you are completely right. Kirsty Alley pushing Pier1? Now, I mean don't get me wrong though. I would endorse Kirsty reccomending KFC or even RightGuard, seeing as how she's an expert on both at this point.
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