The Unforgivable Platitudes

When dealing with members of society, it is often necessary to endure inept and exceptionally cliché quips in conversation, no matter your particular degree of involvement in such an affair. I speak of general statements, though harmless enough, that I find offensive because of their mere social impotence, given no more forethought than your average Myspace comment.

It is certainly difficult enough to be a bystander in a public space, having to be a party to any verbal transaction that occurs within earshot, whether that listening be to the trivial rantings of any number of cell-phone-toting junior high and high schoolers who drone on about who's meeting whom, where, and at what time, or-—God forbid—-listening to uneducated louts give personal insights on popular cinema, television, or music, as though these opinions are not shared by about three billion other people in the world. Most of this audible refuse may be forgiven, if not for the sole reason that the communicae is not usually intended for most of those who are unfortunate enough to receive it.

Sadly we're most of us charged with the pressing requirement to function in society, where day-to-day chores often demand interaction of the conversing sort. Sooner or later, one must stumble upon the realization that one must make himself appear to be friendly and communicative in the parlance of our semi-literate culture, in order to be successful in his various endeavors, no matter how grand or piddling. Having observed and made something of a study of social small talk, I have made a couple of observations which, no doubt, you will also have experienced in some wise.

As a generality, people only want to hear themselves talk. If you find yourself exchanging words with stranger, casual acquaintance, or even a co-worker, you can probably assume they wouldn't care if you dropped dead of a cortical brain hemorrhage right then and there. As the listener, any attempt to interject a personal anecdote as a means of relating to their story will only make them talk more, as though the topic is a contest in which you, the listener, must be bested. If Boscoe, the Fed-Ex delivery guy says he had a head cold over the weekend, don't mention that you're allergies are acting up due to the high oak pollen count this year, or you'll be subsequently assaulted with his entire medical history.

Then, of course, there are those who make their fractured take on life seem universal, as though you have no choice but bend to its rules, as though it is of nature. The single most common cliché I've heard since having my girls is, "They're so cute when they're that age, then they grow up... (variation: ...then they learn to talk). The first hundred times was barely tolerable, and now that I've had my second child, I'm starting to learn that most people just don't like their children. It was the same before I got married, when those wayfaring roustabouts with failed marriages would remind you, There's still time to back out, man. You'll see this form of depravity rear its ugly head anytime you hear a sentence start, You just wait until X and you'll see that Y.

Whatever the case, these social mutations exist all over; see your local Starbucks for details!

They will not go away. In fact, now that society seems to embrace and be more accepting of imbeciles of all varieties, it will obviously only get worse. High school English test scores continue to plummet, yet Paris Hilton and her unknown reason for being a celebrity reign as the foremost icon in pop culture. In the upcoming years, kindergarten teachers will back off from teaching the alphabet because of its increasing difficulty to learn, while Myspace purchases large regions of northeastern Europe. Newsworthiness has already taken a back seat to the trivial matters of celebrities, and people are salivating like dogs for more.

Oh well. I guess social evolution can take one more hit for the team.