Mr. Ice had several times been denied for unemployment benefits and was forced to turn to the public sector for gainful employment. Some very lowbrow tabloids had confirmed in August of 1994 that he was, in fact, contacted for a job interview by the Sunset Strip, a soft-rock club catering to area senior citizens, for the position of afternoon/early evening Master of Ceremonies. One tabloid in particular later paid the handsome fee of $37.50 to Sunset Strip to obtain a copy of the recorded interview.
After being characterized in focus groups as being "mildly disturbing" and "of a quality not worthy to wipe my [expletive deleted] with," the transcribed version of the interview was never actually published by the tabloid. Mention of the fabled interview was sparse; some rumors of its existence surfaced on internet chat rooms and forums throughout the late '90's.. I was rummaging through some boxes of glassware in my attic, when I noticed this transcription was serving as sleeve protection for one of my wife's many vodka decanters.
I reproduce it here for your enjoyment:
Manager: Thank you for meeting with us today, Mister, um, Ice? Is that right?
Vanilla Ice: Yo, VIP, let's kick it.
Manager: [audible pause] Okay. Let's begin. So, do you live around here?
VI: A1A...Beachfront Avenue!
M: Very good. It says here you have previous experience in the entertainment industry?
VI: Take heed, 'cause I'm a lyrical poet. Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it...
M: Right, but I'm not sure you understand--
VI: ...my town that created all the bass sound...
M: Please don't interrupt! [scribbles on a notepad can be heard] Now then, here at the Sunset Strip, we cater to a clientèle that can be, well, difficult at times. How would you describe your ability to satisfy a customer complaint?
VI: If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it.
M: Great. We also require that you be an intriguing entertainer. Under "Credentials," you've written that you have limited experience 'rocking the mic?' To what extent to you rock it?
VI: Yo, to the extreme!
M: Would you care to expound?
VI: I rock the mic like a vandal, light up the stage and watch it burn like a candle...
M: Very good. Very visual. I can appreciate that in you 'creative' types. How would you describe your personal work ethic?
VI: Anything less than the best is a felony!
M: Sir, you can tone it down a little. At Sunset Strip, we thrive on effective communication and playing as a 'team.' How do you think an effective team communicates?
VI: Stop, collaborate, and listen.
M: Good answer, but it would have made more sense to say: Stop, listen, and collaborate. What do you think about that? [Transcriber notes at least four and a half minutes of dead silence at this juncture] Moving on. What does your work availability look like?
VI: Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly...
M: Okay...we ask of all our employees to be on a rotation at least three nights a week to stay until about 4 A.M. to perform condiment inventory including, but not limited to, refilling salt and pepper shakers and the ketchup bottles. How do you feel about working such late hours?
VI: Yo, turn off the lights, and I'll glow!
M: Now specifically about the position of Master of Ceremonies, what do you feel like sets you apart from other qualified candidates?
VI: Dude, I'm quick to the point, to the point--no fakin'; I'm cooking MC's like a pound of bacon!
M: Excuse me? [30 second pause] Now that this unpleasantness has come up, I did want to ask you about your, shall we say, 'spotted' past. It says here you are still on parole?
VI: Will it ever stop, yo, I don't know.
M: Good luck with that. One thing I've been meaning to mention since the first of the interview, your hair seems a little disheveled, and not in a stylish way. Care to explain?
VI: Rollin' in my 5.0 with my rag-top down so my hair can blow.
M: I see, now let's--
VI: Girlies on standby waving just to say hi...
M: Did you stop?
VI: No, I just drove by.
M: Mr. Ice, I'm prohibited by law from discussing matters of an applicant's sexual orientation. Please don't offer any more information of that nature again.
VI: If my rhyme was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram.
M: Okay, I think we're all done. We'll be in touch, Mr. Ice.
VI: Yo, man. Let's get out of here. Word to yo mother.
[At this point exiting footsteps can be heard and then the closing of the interview room door. An intercom page can be heard:]
M: Beth, lock the door when that man exits the front lobby. Mr. Vanilla Ice is never allowed on these premises again. Also, bring me some Scotch and a shot glass, please.
[End of transcription]
VI: Anything less than the best is a felony!
M: Sir, you can tone it down a little. At Sunset Strip, we thrive on effective communication and playing as a 'team.' How do you think an effective team communicates?
VI: Stop, collaborate, and listen.
M: Good answer, but it would have made more sense to say: Stop, listen, and collaborate. What do you think about that? [Transcriber notes at least four and a half minutes of dead silence at this juncture] Moving on. What does your work availability look like?
VI: Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly...
M: Okay...we ask of all our employees to be on a rotation at least three nights a week to stay until about 4 A.M. to perform condiment inventory including, but not limited to, refilling salt and pepper shakers and the ketchup bottles. How do you feel about working such late hours?
VI: Yo, turn off the lights, and I'll glow!
M: Now specifically about the position of Master of Ceremonies, what do you feel like sets you apart from other qualified candidates?
VI: Dude, I'm quick to the point, to the point--no fakin'; I'm cooking MC's like a pound of bacon!
M: Excuse me? [30 second pause] Now that this unpleasantness has come up, I did want to ask you about your, shall we say, 'spotted' past. It says here you are still on parole?
VI: Will it ever stop, yo, I don't know.
M: Good luck with that. One thing I've been meaning to mention since the first of the interview, your hair seems a little disheveled, and not in a stylish way. Care to explain?
VI: Rollin' in my 5.0 with my rag-top down so my hair can blow.
M: I see, now let's--
VI: Girlies on standby waving just to say hi...
M: Did you stop?
VI: No, I just drove by.
M: Mr. Ice, I'm prohibited by law from discussing matters of an applicant's sexual orientation. Please don't offer any more information of that nature again.
VI: If my rhyme was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram.
M: Okay, I think we're all done. We'll be in touch, Mr. Ice.
VI: Yo, man. Let's get out of here. Word to yo mother.
[At this point exiting footsteps can be heard and then the closing of the interview room door. An intercom page can be heard:]
M: Beth, lock the door when that man exits the front lobby. Mr. Vanilla Ice is never allowed on these premises again. Also, bring me some Scotch and a shot glass, please.
[End of transcription]
5 comments:
I have to tell you...I am very impressed by this.
Mucho thankso.
My suspicion is that you yourself were in a job interview recently and when asked a question along the lines of "How would you describe your ability to satisfy a customer complaint?" you found yourself extremely tempted to answer with "If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it." Then throughout the remainder of the interview you formulated this story in your head. Am I far off?
Not by much.
awesome! very creative.
I use to want Vanilla Ice to work for me.
I will never forget summer of 98'when I went to a concert of his in Tyler (yes, he was still around then but trying to change his image and get back to the top) I touched his sweaty knee while he was on stage. I haven't washed my hand since.
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