More to the point, I provide these titles for you to peruse with an awed silence:
- 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain
- Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace
- Battlefield Earth
- Police Academy: Mission to Moscow and of course
- Big Momma's House 2
The movie titles listed above represent just a few movies that are rated among IMDb's Bottom 100 list. They, of course, share the common denominator of all being celluloidal toilet paper and/or bra-stuffings, but the overarching elements which bind them in infamy are still not obvious enough.
However, whilst browsing the aforementioned list, I did see a pattern emerge amongst some other films which is only too patently obvious. Here are some semi-detailed illustrations from my findings:
#2: In the Mix (2005)Tagline: Everyone wants a piece of his action.
Plot Outline: When the hottest, hip hoppin-est DJ around (Usher) accidentally saves the life of a Mafia princess, the reward for his "bravery" is a job protecting the woman from danger a laThe Bodyguard.
Starring: Usher
#6: From Justin to Kelly (2003)Tagline: The tale of two American Idols.
Plot Outline: Aside from describing the chemical route and destination of several STD's, From Justin to Kelly tells the story of a trio of sorority gals from Texas who run afoul of a trio of frat brothers from Pennsylvania on a Miami beachfront. Coincidentally, one individual from each group has a life ambition to sing—and they'll stop at no cost. Put 'em together with some hilarious situations and romantic locales, and we're on a crash course with wackiness!
Starring: Kelly Clarkson, Justin Guarini
#10: Glitter (2001)Tagline: In music she found her dream, her love, herself.
Plot Outline: Similar to Mariah's life story and her fascination with the glitter-arts, Mariah plays the role of a young singer who is eager to become a big star. Join Mariah as she retells the inspirational story of how she sang (and slept) her way to the top!
Starring: Mariah Carey, Da Brat
#14: You Got Served (2004)Tagline: If you want respect, you've got to take it
Plot Outline: In order to achieve their dream of opening a recording studio while simultaneously maintaing their rep on the street, two friends must take a city dance contest by storm -- a fierce competition that pits them against a group of tough street dancers. Follow this group of adorable misfits as they serve it up and get served along the way.
Starring: Omarion Grandberry, J-Boog, Lil' Fizz, Raz B (former members of the now-defunct hip-hop group B2K)
#28: Cool as Ice (1991)Tagline: When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice.
Plot Outline: A rap oriented re-make of "Rebel Without a Cause," with heavy emphasis on the fact that rap star Vanilla Ice has assumed the James Dean role. (Plot summary courtesy of IMDb.com).
Starring: Vanilla Ice
#36 Get Rich or Die Tryin' (2005)Tagline: At the end of the day, what will you hang on to?
Plot Outline: A wholly unique and fresh new take on the life story of a rapper, Get Rich or Die Tryin' is the tale of an inner city drug dealer who turns away from crime to pursue his passion, rap music.
Starring: 50 Cent
#77: Can't Stop the Music (1980)Tagline: The Movie Musical Event of the 80's
Plot Outline: This is a psuedo-autobiography of disco's The Village People.
Starring: The Village People
#79 Spice World (1997)Tagline: They perform for royalty and entertain millions the world over. But now, they're making a movie.
Plot Summary: The film follows the Spice Girls and their entourage in their everyday life.
Starring: The Spice Girls
#86 Crossroads (2002)Tagline: Dreams change. Friends are forever.
Plot Outline: Three childhood best friends honor a pact they made as prepubescent girls and take a trip across the country, finding themselves by helping each other choose the right path amongst several challenging crossroads.
Starring: Britney Spears
#18: Kazaam (1996)Tagline: The world's most powerful genie has just met his match.
Plot Outline: Max, a troubled youth with nothing to lose runs into some boxes and accidentally releases Kazaam, a rappin', basketball-playin' genie who has been held captive for thousands of years without record deal or product endorsements. In order to stay free, Kazaam must give Max three wishes. Little does Max know, Kazaam can only make good on these wishes if Max can take him in a street-rules game of one-on-one.
Starring: Shaquille O'Neal
#26 Simon Sez (1999)Tagline: It Ain't Over Til ... (Simon Sez)
Plot Outline: ?
Starring: Dennis Rodman
#19 Chairman of the Board (1998)Tagline: Work sucks!
Plot Outline: A surfer becomes the head of a major company.
Starring: Carrot Top!
That's right, folks. If you want to fail miserably in the film industry, take care that your protagonist(s) are a.) a fashionable pop singer or group, b.) an over-hyped basketball star, or c.) high-energy prop-comic Carrot Top!
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4 comments:
You have forgotten, perhaps the most obvious thing to do if you want to fail in the movie industry. As we see from IMDB's #1 worst movie Anus McGillicutty, the worst trait you give to your protagonist is...NAMING HIM ANUS!!!
I am hoping for your sake, sir, that the majority of this research was second hand.
If, by "second hand" research, you mean I rented them all and watched them marathon-style in the past 56 hours, you would be hoping correctly
You watched Crossroads again without me?? I thought we had a pact!
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