An Ode to Ronald McDonald

O harbinger of childhood obesity and unnaturally high cholesterol,

Invader of toddler nightmares and sleep tremors.

In your finite wisdom you sought to lure us into your multi-chromatic playworld with promises of tube slides and bottomless ball pits.

You've time-stamped yourself on the public psyche like a corporate pedophile who tempts children with the possibility of french fries and ice cream treats.

Your blazing red hair reminds of a white-hot inferno consuming for fuel all consumer molecules that stand in its way.

Your pasty white skin, flaking with eczema harks to the purest ivory of an elephant's tusk.

You've waxed immortal with the burden of the hobo's moniker, Ronald, though the makeup around your mouth has never weighed down your smile.

You've sought to undo the inherent, home-spun wisdom of parents telling their sons and daughters not to talk to strangers.

Though we feel like we've known you through your commercials and widespread statues.

We never knew you.

You set out to bait the world's children as a more of a harlot than a mascot.

You single-handedly destroyed America's already waning views of clownkind.

You already had your foot in the door when communism failed Mother Russia.

You chose Willard Scott as your first human medium.

You're an endless airborne contagion, waiting to infect those who'll breathe you in.

You're unflinchingly brave at targeting racial and ethnic stereotypes, and will not be content until you segregate us even farther.

Ronald, you scare us.

Ronald, you intrigue us.

Ronald, you supersized us.

Thank you, Ronald McDonald.