You Know, Old Bert I. Sure Doesn't Skimp on the Openings

Somedays, during my trek between two distant buildings on campus, I pass a plurally unattractive man who is wont to be sporting shirts with cute little expressions displayed abreast of them for the good of society to behold. Complimenting his shabbily grown facial hair and overtly swinish gait are two gold earings awkwardly punctuating his otherwise ruggedly assymetrical face.

Generally speaking, t-shirt slogans are hardly a good idea—to quote Thomas Paine, "at best, a necessary evil." Only the caliber of man who could so intrepidly meet the aforementioned description could even remotely appear to be unpretentious in this wise. Here are some of the more notable slogans he's been known to flaunt about:

"Out of My Mind. Please Leave a Message"

"Never Underestimate the Stupidity of People in Large Groups"

"I am IGNORING you"

"New Scientific Evidence Proves the World DOES Revolve Around Me"

"My Imaginary Friend Thinks You Have Problems"


I mean, this is good solid social commentary. Everyone can find a little nugget to take with them throughout life.

And it says a lot about the man, as well. Everytime I look at those familiar idioms, the words misshapen as the garment is pulled taut by the crest of his visible man-bosoms, I think to myself, "You know, this guy has got it together," or "he's really got all the answers worked out," or "this guy is bound for great things." Those shirts have really been a constant throughout my week.